The Sun That Never Rose   Iris Saberhagan     © Copyright 2002 by Iris Saberhagan

I knew that someone was always watching, waiting, listening. They were waiting out there because they thought that if I let my guard down, they could conquer. But, then I took ballet and karate, and that just blew them out of the water. They thought I did that just so I could say "yah, I play a sport." But, they were definitely being paranoid. From my quiet, slightly dull life, I sat in my bed until Ninny came. Even if she overslept, I sat in my queen bed that contained of mattresses. It had plush pillows and a Victorian red lace trim, but my curtains persisted of a black satin shawl with a red lace trim. That always bothered me. It seemed as though the black satin hadn't discovered its lace counterpart yet, and so the red would do for now. I don't know why, but it just scared me, since it reminded me of something. What it was...I do not know, nor can I begin to grasp the feeling that crept along my back, daring for me to move. I shuddered, and then I shifted my head with a dull ease and I began my solemn stare at the door. Ninny would be here any moment, although judging by the clock, it was Monday, and I would be late for the place where they watched, waited, and listened. That was why I kept my curtains closed, and that is why they were black. They were black as far back as I could remember, in fact everything was exactly the way it was when I came from the dark, many years ago. Ninny was the only one left for me because she was the only one that cared. My parents had selfishly decided to die in a fire when I was not at home.

It was now 10:47, which was a blessing, since I knew that I had missed the period of the day where I endured the most brutal of physical activities. Maybe, just maybe, Ninny could postpone her arrival into a new day by sleeping until noon. Then, I could avoid the time when I was the most tormented by them. I, however, remained as I was, tall as a tree in my pajamas. My stomach began to growl, but I taught myself long ago that in order for people to appreciate you, you must wait for them to make the first move. This was one of my more brilliant guides to life, and between you and me, that's saying something. I began to fidget, and I wondered whether I should get up and tread toward my closet with a French door. Yet, I restrained myself, and I remained as silent as a mime. I glanced backwards with precaution because I only did what I was told. On the chestnut side table I spotted Ninny's reading glasses. The image of her glasses only brought me to a flashback of the time when they found out that I still slept with Ninny by my side. I never thought that was something to be ashamed of and that was the only way I fell asleep. They, however, did not approve, and they discovered this when I wrote it in an essay about my life at home. This happened when I was twelve, and it gave me more of a reason to shut out the world with my black satin curtains with the red lace trim. That essay is the main reason I'm afraid of them. That essay is the main reason they are afraid of me. And so the repetitive cycle of my fifteen-year-old life continues.

Where is Ninny? They are surely home by now, as it is 3:33. Even if she did get a hangover, it's not like she'd be still with it by now. So far I heard nothing of the swaying house. No movement of any human activities, and I was beginning to wonder whether I should move from my seat. I was becoming uncomfortable and my butt was beyond falling asleep. If you can't guess by now, I hate them. They are so evil. They think that I have a problem because Ninny is always with me and I don't speak when Ninny isn't there. But, they can only begin to know of the pain I have suffered. After the selfish death of my parents, I learned that people don't want a disobeying person. You have to follow a person's every move and whim. That is why Ninny keeps me, I never disobey her. That is the only reason people would keep me, if I became what they wanted me to become. Ninny, however, often looks displeased with me, and she is always telling me that my satin curtain and I are alike. She told me that I shouldn't be like my curtain. I think that she means that I always try to keep people out, the way a curtain keeps the sun out, but I don't think that that is all of it. It is nearing 4 on the dot, and yet not a sign of Ninny. Maybe she ran away or killed herself or maybe she doesn't want me. I start to do the forbidden element, but I feel that the water from my eyes may heal all of my wounds. I know I shouldn't be crying, but I must. But, I soon hear the creaking of the hall floorboards, and I know that my savior has arrived because no sooner does the door to my shrine of life opens, only to reveal my savior.

"I should have known you were here. Something wanted me deep inside to say no, she's all right, she's off at school. But, I guess I should have known better," she says this all as she gradually glides to my bed. I don't understand at all, I guess Ninny is having a lapse of her wisdom, but I can't be sure. I just sit, wait, watch, and nod.

"Dear, doesn't it bother you that you won't do anything without my every word? The fact that you are never yourself. Honey, a lot of bad things are said about you at school by your classmates, I know, but doesn't it bother you that you won't stand up for yourself unless I do it for you?" I shudder at the name of them and the place where they compile.

"I mean a lot of things like how you won't go to the bathroom or eat without my guidance, and you won't even speak to me unless I direct, let alone will you speak in class. You have set up these guidelines for yourself that aren't healthy at all, and who knows if you would have enough sense to leave the house if there was a fire whilst I wasn't here. You are not your own person, and that is causing your life to deteriorate. I bet while I was out today you didn't even eat. Honey, I don't want to alarm you, but you have a problem." At that I broke down crying and I couldn't believe it. Even Ninny doesn't love me; I must not have pleased her well enough. I must not have done all her duties. Even she is turning on me. Why does everyone hate me? I'm sorry if I did anything wrong, I can fix it, I know I can, if I get another chance. Yet, it doesn't appear that way because Ninny's eyes are stone cold, straight, and unwilling.

"You have to understand that you have a disease that is in a very bad form. You have a disease known as codependency, and the reason I didn't come and fetch you, the reason I'm treating you now is because I want to help you. You seem to be running away with the idea that I won't love you if you don't follow my lead and that is bad. A colleague of mine has a daughter in your class and she told me that a group of your classmates played a terrible joke on you. I know that they carried you out onto the middle of the intersection to see if you would move if a care came. But, what disappoints is not the children's actions, it is the fact that you almost got killed because you didn't run or scream. That's dangerous, baby. Today, I went out to Dr. Melrose and we have to fix you honey or I will lose you forever. The only reason I will hate you is if I lose you. Remember how I said you and your curtains are alike? Well that's because, hon, you're like that black satin part. You are so connected to the red lace, and you are totally dependent on it. Yet, you don't need the red lace to be a person, you can just cut it off, and I mean both mentally and literally. The red lace only makes you look ugly. I know that you probably don't understand at what I'm getting at, but I want to help you, and we are going to set you free, please don't hate me for helping..."And that was when I did something I hadn't done since my parent's death without guidance.

"I love you Ninny!"

Iris Saberhagan has long since enjoyed the art of writing and has often found it a path of escape from her problems.
 
 

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