2010 by Lindsey Polski
Sadie sat cowering in a corner as she watched her mother
press into a tall man who
balanced a cigarette in one hand and passionately embraced her mother with the other...
"Why does he kiss her like that?"; thought Sadie. "Why does she not kiss
Daddy like that?"; silently she thought again...
Sadie had come with her mother that evening to this "party"
under strict orders to
not breath a word about it to Sadie's stepfather, that it was a secret...a surprise and she
couldn't tell anybody. "Sadie! Quite fooling around and lets go!"; yelled mother as I finished
Velcro my tenishoes. I scurried through the hall and down the stairs and just
as I had thought Mother was in the van waiting. She honked the horn loudly as I hurried
around the van, to the sliding door on its right side. I knew she was mad because i had
taken so long to ready myself. "What were you doing in there!?"; she screamed into my
face as the door shut and locked behind me. "kissing the mirror?!" I said nothing, in
my five year old little brain I couldn't think of anything to say,I knew I'd
just make Mom more upset with me. We sat in silence the whole way there. As we pulled
into the driveway I saw a tall white house with lots of windows that I could see
bright lights peeking out of and I smiled. After all we were going to a party right?
The smile quickly left my face as I felt my face go hot. It stung and and I reached
for my face in surprise. Mother's hand came down as she sat staring at me. "Wipe that
stupid grin off your face or I will wipe it off for you. Got it?!" I nodded quickly as I
swallowed down the tears that inched their way up to my eyes. I could not let her see
me cry... "You'd better not embarrass me in there, do you hear me?! Keep your mouth shut,
stay out of my way and do what your told! Ya hear?!" I again nodded my head rapidly.
We got out of the car and made our way to the door. As we entered my mom dropped her
key in a clear glass bowl where several other sets of keys lay. I wondered why she would do
such a thing with how particular she was about who had her keys and where they were placed.
I didn't dare ask...it wasn't worth knowing. "Go over there and sit down!; she hissed
in my ear. I scanned the room and decided to station myself in the little corner on the
far side, op-posit of the pool table. I sat down and began looking at all the other people
who had come to the "party" too. There were as many men as was there women. Some were playing
cards, some telling jokes, some chilling out on the couch and others playing pool.
However, they all had something in common...none of them were close or sexual with the
people they came in with, but with everyone else...including my mother. It felt like
we were there forever. Eventually I began to drift off, my head bobbing up and down
in exhaustion and gradually everything faded out of sight, out of mind and I was asleep...
*NOTE: Deuteronomy 31:8
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake
you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Rowdy laughter woke me up with a start, my heart pounding
as I stared intently in front
of me trying to shake the sleep from my heavy blue eyes. As my eyes came into focus I
saw, to my surprise, men and women falling up the stairs closing the doors behind them
and whispering or laughing to themselves about some sort of unknown pleasure. A
woman in the nude on the pool table with men taking turns on top of her as she gasped
and asked for more and then there was my own mother who stood in the far left corner of
the room with her body tightly pressed up against an estranged man and he clung to her in
return like she could pull away at any given second without warning. I sat and watched in
horror for hours...Even if i turned away my little ears still heard all that was going on
anyway...My mother continued to makeout with the stranger and eventually they too, made their
way up the stairs to one of the rooms and closed the door behind them. I stood up in
my corner as soon as they were out of my sight, to stretch my now cramping legs...I looked
about me in attempts to find something to amuse myself with but it turned out in vain, for
there was nothing for little girls to play with there that I could see. I sat back down
in my corner and began to rock. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...soon enough,
I was asleep once again.
Some time later, I again woke up nevertheless, but this
time it was not due to mad
laughter but to a foot being roughly jabbed into my stomach. I stumbled hastily to my feet
but not briskly enough to avoid her hand as it met the back of my head and I went tumbling
back to the same floor had just risen from. "Lazy little bitch!"; she hissed in a low,
slurred whisper. "Why the hell are you sleeping!? Did I give you permission to sit on your
ass and do that?! Well! Did I?!" "No momma"; I began,desperately wanting to make amends.
"It was an accident, I promise, pleaaaaaaaase!"; I cried out in fear. "I'll be good, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! Please don't fix me, pleaaaaaaaase!"; I begged her now in a flood of tears. "Quit
your cryin!"; she shrieked. "Do you want your ass beat when we get home?!Knock it off!
I don't want to hear it!; she continued to holler. I attempted to stop and stiffled,
the best I could, the deep sobs. The tears kept on coming as I frantically swiped then away
with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
Once more, the tall man took his place beside my mother
and stood this time gazing at me.
"Why is the kid cryin?"; he asked. My mother's facial expression and tone of voice
immediately changed from angry to mild as milk and honey... "Oh she's just tired"; she
cooed as she looked up at him and smiled. He leaned over and kissed her. "I'll take you
home"; he whispered. My mother and I got into what appeared to be this man's car and the
stranger drove us back home...
*NOTE: Romans 8:38-39
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor
things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will
be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I flinched at my stiffness as I streched and sat upright.
"Brrrrrrr"; I thought to myself
as a shiver took hold of my body.Yep, this scene looked familiar...Mom had left her to
sleep in the car again. How did I get back in mom's car"; she pondered... "Oh well, it
doesn't matter anyway." Sadie bustled out from the car in a desperate attempt to be back in
the house and to her joy, the sliding door was open. She took a sideways glance around as
she pulled her boots off her now numb feet. Just as her last boot hit the orange ceramic
tiled floor, she felt her scalp tingle and twinge in pain. My heart started to race as I
groped about trying to grab on to something before hitting the edge of the piano. Too late.
I hit my face on the piano as I slid to the floor. Mother had let go of my hair by this time
and proceeded to circle me and laugh. "You thought you weren't gonna get caught, did ya
little cunt? Wrong. Do I look stupid to you?!" I gazed at the carpet and my eyes rested on
a box elder beattle crawling across the floor in an endeavor to focus on something else. It
will be over soon, I thought. Stay strong, I reassured myself. She will stop...
Down mother came to my level on the floor. She grasped my chin with her fingers and pulled
my face up. "Who the hell do you think you are?!" ;she bellowed into my face. "Nobody"; I
answered. "You look at me when I'm talking to you, you self centered little bitch!" "Yes
Mom"; I answered while trying to hold back a sea of emotions. "Go to your room"; she
said in what appeared a calmer tone. I must have said the right thing this time;Sadie
concieved. She shuffled off, in a hurry to her bedroom and closed the door softly behind
I sat quivering on my bed recovering from the start of
the day's events and I wondered what
else would transpire before the day was over. Today was going to be a long day, I knew it.
My ears stayed alert and ready for the familiar footsteps of my mother. At every noise I
would jump, my heart would race and I would get all hot thinking it was mom just noticing a
mistake I'd make and I would suffer the consequences for...By degrees my sensitive ears grew
weary of listening for anything and my eyes started to burn with the lack of sleep I had
had the evening prior. I carefully lifted the blankets out of the crevice of my bed,
side closest to the wall and slid down into it. The bar of the bed supported me as I
delicately tucked, to the best of my ability, the sheet and blank around me and back down into
the crack. I must have immediately fell into a deep slumber because before i knew it I heard
the usual gait of my mom. She was walking about in my room from what I could hear and I am
pretty sure she was looking to take me off-guard or she would have no need to tread so
softly. She came closer and closer to the bed...my breathing became strenuous and the
blankets and lack of space made it hot. I heard her come to her knees only five feet away
from me and bend over to glance under my bed. She huffed in great agitation. I knew that
if she found me it would be worse than if I just gave myself up so I slowly lifted my blankets
and sat upright. Her face turned several shades of red. She was gonna blow and even my five
year old senses knew that. She leaned over the bed and yanked at my arm, leaving a set
of prints when she released it. She proceeded to guide me to the bathroom by my hair and I
grew distressed and worried at what the punishment would entail. She opened the medicine
cabinet and took out a tall brown bottle with a white label around it. In my later years
I recall her referred to it as "peroxide." She gingerly unscrewed the cap to the brown
bottle, and went on to poor 3tbsps into a mini paper disposable cup. She handed it to me and
smiled as she said; "Sade, momma needs to make you better. Drink this.It's medicine."
I looked up at her and pleaded with my eyes hoping she would see how much I didn't want to
drink the "medicine". I didn't want "to be better". She, to my dismay, didn't notice my
frantic effort to get out of my punishment. "Drink the damn medicine!" she screeched as
she grabbed my head and shoved it under her right arm and with her right hand she grabbed
my chin, forcing my mouth to open. Then with her left hand she pored the nasty clear
bubbling medicine down my throat and released me. I slid down onto the linoleum floor crying,
coughing and gagging all at the same time. Mother left the bathroom with nothing following her
but the slam of the door. I heard it lock from the outside and I lay there and cryed. Not
long after I began to feel nauseated and I planted myself at the bowl of the toilet. About an
hour later my stomach started cramping and I couldn't decide wether I needed to throw up or
deficate more...It would be a long night.
It grew late and my mother came and unlocked the door.
She had with her a plate of food.
There were potatoes, green beans and roast beef piled high. In normal circumstances i
would have jumped at this plate of food scared she might withhold it from me but today I just
gazed up and stared at it. The smell gave my stomach grief and again, I leaned back over the
toilet bowl, crying in pain, as another gush of vomit filled it once more... "You selfish,
ungrateful little ass! I prepare you a meal and this is the thanks I get?! You will starve then,
that's what you'll do!" My eyes did not follow her as she left the bathroom for the second
time but I did not hear the accustomed slam of the door so I slowly looked up, my cloudy vision
attempting to target the door. Yes, it was open. Good, I thought and I crawled languidly back
to my bedroom...
*NOTE: James 1:19-20
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to
anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
I woke the next morning with sharp abdominal pain from
all the spasming it had done the night
before, combined with the hunger it felt now. I limped into the kitchen where I found my sister
in her high chair gurgling and playing with her breakfast. "Hi Becca, whatcha doin?"
I said in a high voice. She giggled and kicked her legs happily. "What do yo think your doing?"
asked Mother, coming up from behind me. "I, I, I...I was just saying hi" I mumbled quietly.
"Did I give you permission to do that?" she asked. "No" I said, "I just thought it would be
ok." "Well, its not ok" mom returned, "now tell momma your sorry." "Sorry Momma" I said.
"That's better" she said. "Now go back to your room and get going on your school work." I dashed
away as fast as i could before she could say anything more. She must be having a good day I
hoped silently to myself.
Now seated on the carpet in my room I picked up my pencil
and started to write out my
spelling words. After each spelling word I wrote out the definition from the dictionary.
After i completed this task i went on to english, then reading, religion, map skills,
earch science, american history and lastly, math. Math was a struggle for me, repetitive
or not I couldn't seem to grasp the concepts. After several hours of frustration over this
math page i was trying to complete I gave up and went trudging up the stairs to ask my
mother for her assistance. "Stupid book" I said aloud without thought. "Can you help me mom?"
She pushed me to a chair at the table and said "sit down!" I sat and watched as she walked over
to the whiteboard. The black marker squeaked as she hurriedly scribbled out some numerals.
"If Mommy had ten candy bars and she gave you four, how many candy bars would mommy have
left?" she asked. I looked down at my hands on my lap and held up ten fingers and folded
four back down... "six!" I answered, happily thinking i had figured it out. "No stupid!"
Mother yelled. "All ten would still be there because I wouldn't give any to you to begin with!"
"But I thought..." I began..."that you just were pretending." She turned to face me, looked
up and as she banged her head against the board she said; "why, oh why, oh why did I have to
have this child God!?" I swallowed with difficulty. I knew she never wanted me so why is this
bothering me? I pondered. "Why do you have to be so fucking retarded Sadie?!" "I don't know"
I said as i hung my head. "I'm trying." Well your not trying hard enough!" she screamed. "Try
harder!" My hand shook as i took my pencil and tried to write out the problem again... Why
did I have to be so dumb? Why couldn't I just be smart like other kids? Hours went by and
I still sat, with pensil in hand, curled over my paper. Only by now my eyes were puffy from
crying and the numbers had started to run a bit from it getting wet...I looked out my bedroom
window, into the blackness of the night. It was evening and I was tired. "Why aren't you
finished with that assignment yet!? This is ridiculous! It does not take SEVEN hours to do
ONE math paper!" My hand got all stiff and my body tensed up in consternation. Down came her
hand, hitting soundly on my face, and resulting in my first black eye. "When I ask you a question
you damn well better answer it! Do you hear me?!" "Yes, yes!" I cried covering my face in
horror and pain. In a few strides Sadie's mother made her way over to the bed and with another few
strides she was out the door but with her she carried Sadie's mattress. "You can sleep on the
floor, I don't give a damn." and with that she was gone...
*NOTE: Deuteronomy 20:4
"For the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give
you the victory."
"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare
is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.
A voice cries: “In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our
God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become
level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it
together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."
Time passes...people change...Well, typically speaking
anyway...The now ten year old; Sadie
wondered when her time would come for change. She tried to dress like her mother wanted, work
like her mother wanted, eat like her mother wanted, say what her mother wanted and of course
felt worthless like her mother wanted but that wasn't because she wanted to...it was just how
it turned out...
"Moooooooooooooom! Moooooooooooooom!" "Mooooooooooom!"
I was sitting on the
toilet petrified of the blood gushing out from my body. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?" Mother hollered
back. "What's wrong with you?!" "I'm bleeding!" I shouted over back over the closed bathroom
door. Mom flug the door open and threw at me a pink plastic package and said "put this on!"
She never did tell me what it was, how to use it or even why I was bleeding. I unwrapped the
package and inside was a cotton-like strip but it was sticky on one side. I figured, well that
thing was somehow supposed to keep the blood from going into my underwear. I did what I figured
was right and stuck the pad thing in my panties. The worst part of my first period, as well as
the ones to follow, was the terrible cramping. It had me doubled over, in sweats and fever
giving me a horendous headache. This was only the beginning for me however...My mother knowing
I had began my cycle was when my nightmare really took flight.
One hot summer day I was sitting on the porch, attempting
to cool down, when my mother called me
in from the dining room sliding door. I stood up and immediately went inside. I shivered as the cool
house air hit my hot body. Mom was waiting in my doorway. "When I tell you to come, you damn well
better move your ass faster!" she said loudly. She pushed me into my bedroom and closed the door
behind her. "Undress and lay on your bed." she said. I did as i was told having no idea why but not wanting
to receive her wrath. She proceeded to take yellow cord and tie my wrists to the head posts on my bed
and my ankles to the foot posts. "You are flawed, I need to fix you" she said. She turned to leave but
with one backwards glance she said; "you are a dirty cunt Sadie, I need to fix you" and with that she was
gone. Not for long though. In came bounding two hound dogs. I cried and screamed in fright as they lept up on
me, scratching my skin and licking me all over...I cried it pain and I sobbed in utter humiliation but
my mother had gone by then and I was alone in my shame... They nipped at my skin and I pulled at my restraints
in a desperate try to loosen my bonds and set myself free but they were tight and only dug and rubbed my skin
raw instead of helping me escape. My breathing was heavy in exhaustion from my hassle in trying to get away,
so I stopped, too tired to move anymore and just lay there catching my breath. Just then Mom came back and
opened the door to let the dogs out. They ran out, to my great relief. "See", she sneered; "I told you! You are
dirty. You are worse than dirty. You are garbage. Ya know, wait! My garbage is better than you are! You are worth
less than the repulsive..." I felt my eyes well up again and I swallowed hard so as not to let on that it hurt me.
I thought to myself; I'm good at something, someone wants me and i will be successful at something... God isn't gonna
just leave me like this right? No, no...God loves me. He must...He has to love me...
NOTE: Romans 5:8
"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
1 Peter 5:7
"Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."
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