The Penguin Walk

Jacquie McTaggart

© Copyright 2004 by Jacquie McTaggart


Drawing of a pyramid with a treasure inside.
Although this is a humorous (I hope) vignette, I want to assure readers that it did actually happen - cross my heart and hope to die.

It was a beautiful, unseasonably warm November morning in Iowa. Intent on making the most of the glorious weather, I jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. As the water cascaded over my body, I mentally planned my day. I would write my weekly newspaper column (the one that would rival Dave Barry’s wit and wisdom), do some laundry, and fix Hubby a gourmet bowl of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for lunch. If all went as planned, I would reward myself by reading my most recent book purchase - How to Lose 50 Pounds in Four Days.

Eager to accomplish everything on my agenda, I dressed quickly. After putting on clean underwear and a fresh shirt, I decided to throw on yesterday’s jeans. They were lying right there on the floor – nice and close – and weren’t really dirty. Yes, they did have a teeny-tiny blueberry stain on one knee, but nobody would notice that. And furthermore, I had just lost 3 pounds (a result of fourteen diuretic pills) and figured I had better wear those jeans while I could still get into them.

The morning unfolded uneventfully, and I accomplished my tasks on schedule. As I put the last bowl from lunch into the dishwasher, I suddenly remembered that I needed to drop my column off at the newspaper office. I decided to incorporate that task with a quick stop at Wal Mart. (I was out of diuretic pills). THEN I would grab a bowl of ice cream, curl up in the recliner, and learn how to take off those last 47 pounds - without dieting or exercising!

It was at Wal Mart, midway between the toilet tissue and the double AA batteries that I felt it. In the right leg of my jeans, directly above the knee, was a BIG lump – all squishy and misshapen. I knew immediately what the problem was. One of my socks must have gotten stuck in the leg of my jeans when I undressed the night before, and taken up semi-permanent residence there. I had NO idea where that stupid sock had been hiding all morning, but I now knew exactly where it was.

Walking like a constipated penguin, I gingerly made my way to the nearest checkout counter. With every step I took, the sock inched downward. As I was about to drown in my own perspiration, a cashier - located eight aisles from the exit door - bellowed, “Mam, I can help you down here.”

Oh, my! What should I do? I couldn’t magically make myself invisible because I hadn’t lost those 50 pounds – yet. Consequently, I slowly - very slowly - waddled to her station, paid for my purchase, and proceeded toward the exit. Once outside the door, I bent down, reached under my pant leg, and pulled out a pair of UNDERPANTS!

Moral of the Story: Avoid putting on yesterday’s apparel. You never know what might lurk inside, or when it will choose to reappear.

Contact Jacquie

(Messages are forwarded by The Preservation Foundation.
So, when you write to an author, please type his/her name
in the subject line of the message.)

Jacquie's Story List And Biography

Book Case

Home Page

The Preservation Foundation, Inc., A Nonprofit Book Publisher