A Patient And Her Psychiatrist Pyramid Image.

Lynford D. Turner
© Copyright 1999 by Lynford D. Turner

The first thing that her psychiatrist needs to know: “What is your ability to pay, dear?” “Well,” says the patient, “I have three credit cards. This one is maxed out! This one here has a max. of $7000.00 left and this one has only $3000.00. Which one would you prefer?” She asked. Her psychiatrist says, “Oh, it doesn’t make any difference, not really, as long as the date is current. We had just as well start with, oh, I mean, use the $7000.00 card. That way you won’t have to worry about anything at all!”

Then the patient ask, “How long do you think I’ll be needing your services?” With apparent future vision and carefully rehearsed body language, the psychiatrist responds, “Oh, don’t worry about that honey, we can get you through this problem in awhile, it will take some time though. You know dear, the problem that you have didn’t begin a few days ago. It started years ago, probably back when you were a little girl, therefore, it will require a lot of time for me to identify all of the causes. Once we have an idea of what is causing your problem, then we can make great progress.”

{Referring to the Psychiatrist Handbook on “How To Rip-off A Credit Card Customer,”}The psychiatrist gains some memory refreshment while reading the following. “Using standard procedure, determine the person or persons whom the patient feels is responsible for previous “bad experiences.” Look for a scapegoat, usually, the mother or father can be used to fulfill this requirement. Consider too, brothers and sisters, and other family members.

When the patient comes in for treatment, show enthusiasm as you quickly leave your desk and walk swiftly in their direction. Grapple the patient bodily as you provide the greeting hug while remembering to hold their hand tightly as you escort them to the couch or chair. The patient must believe that you are innocently giving a heartfelt welcome that is reserved only for them because of the love their parents failed to provide.

Never voice any firm conclusions, keep the patient guessing at what your “secret is for solving the problem.” Once you have the complete patient background, begin treatment! Maintain a forty five degree line of “Cope” at all times. If the patients problems are monetary, you must isolate them mentally to avoid their taking advice from other sources, i.e., parents, other relatives.

Convince the patient of their own honesty, high morals and integrity. Insist that your patients are extremely ethical people. The reason for that is to prevent them from filing bankruptcy and solving their own problem before you have had an opportunity to max out their credit cards. If the patient should find other means of solving the financial problem, insist that they are still in great need for further counseling. Treat the same problem as long as possible, guide the patient away from meaningful solutions.

Remember, a coping patient is a continuing patient! For example: If the patient is desperate for a new set of teeth, but they cost say, twenty thousand dollars, keep the patient coping and toothless until you’ve max. out the credit cards. You do this by preaching ethics while steering them away from real help. When the patient has completely blown away all possible credit, the cards are maxed and their still toothless, you’ve completed your best performance.

If the patient wishes to continue treatment, give notice that a new financial provider will be necessary. Since you have only to gain at this point, inform your patient that, “We are at the zenith of your improvement! You are making excellent progress, therefore you must continue treatment. Here is an opportunity to see if your patients really love you, tell them that they should share some of the blame, and because of that blame, it’s their duty to provide continuing financial assistance.” Usually, the parents will feel obligated at this point and step forward. They will of course feel guilty for not coming to the patients aid sooner. Carefully turn the screws inside the patients head to convert the parents guilt into cash. Should the patient fail to obtain a qualified financial provider, kick the patients ass out the rear door!”

Three golden rules of psychiatry

1. A psychiatrist never discharges a patient.
2. Promote the fabrication that we are here to help people.
3. Voice only one type of conclusion to your patient during your entire career,that is: “You need more treatment!”

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