Hands

The waiting room smelled strongly of disinfectant and medicines, the kind that arrests your nostrils when you find yourself in a hospital environment. I was there for an early appointment which I had scheduled since I began stooling these clots of blood which I had initially mistaken for my period but since the flow had long past its usual three days duration, I felt alarmed and thus had to run seeking for medical attention. I sat flipping through old magazines kept at the reception area for patients’ perusal and thinking of my condition wondering what the causes could be at the same time when the door to the emergency ward suddenly opened. It was a face I never thought I'd be seeing again. But there he was. The ghost and once familiar face that took everything from me. The same that thought me everything I now know about neediness.

Our eyes locked in a moment and then broke away, like two thieves caught in each other’s reflections. He was as dead surprised as I was. Then he walked slowly towards the reception desk adorned in his white lab coat, cautious, carrying the weight of years I hadn’t seen him lived. My hands fumbled with the magazine, as though the pages could hide me. But soon, he was near me. He still wore that sweet, harsh scent that had somewhat become his signature persona which I loved back in the days.
 
“Hello there madam Alero!” He greeted with a warm, friendly handshake.

Timidly I took it and responded likewise “Hello oga Venath.” I said studying him.

“How are you doing dear?” He demanded still looking surprised. “I mean how have you been? It's been a minute as they say it nowadays.”

“I’m fine Venath as you can see.” I said in a way that wasn't a quarrel but neither was I ready to open myself up for a chitchat with him.

Soon his arms were wrapped around me in a swift, tight hug, enveloping in a way that was rather nauseating. It felt warm though foreign, suffocating and yet too familiar at the same time. And I stiffened right there and then. What the heck was he doing hugging me like this in public? His hands were now travelling way down my back as if transposing the broken cords of my body. These hands which had known me too well before. They pushed me away when I least expected and now they were back to holding me in such familiarity. I quickly pulled away from his touch and smiled coldly at him. I had never been placed in such an awkward position before.

“What are you doing here Alero?” He asked interrupting my thoughts.

“I, I came to see the doctor?” I said stuttering.

“The doctor? Which of the doctors and what's wrong? You sick?” He swirled me around trying to diagnose me with his physical eyes.

“You seem okay to me but what's the matter?”

“Of course I'm fine. I just needed to speak to a professional about something that's bothering me.”
 
“Is that so? Mind I ask what it is?”

“Nah.”

He chuckled and said “Okay I get it. I should mind my own damn business but in case you need an extra consultation kindly let me know when you are in need of that. I've got rounds to cover too for now. Gosh Alero I've truly missed you so much. I can't believe I'll ever see you again.”

Yeah me neither.

Lips:

We hugged again and our lips seemed to brush another silent greeting that lingered longer than necessary. There was sweetness in it at first, like finding water after drought. His voice was the same—deep, earnest, almost pleading. Mine shook, tongue pressing against words that weren’t ready to be spoken. It felt like breathing under water, gasping and choking all at once. Something ancient unfurled inside me, a dragon of memory rolling open its wings of flame, smoke, danger, and desire, everything flying out of my belly trying to find expressions. The heat of old fires pressed against the present meeting, heavy again as sweat on ignited skins. I remembered how our shirts once clung, ripped, abandoned in the corners of rooms. We had been thieves of time, lovers who stole too much and carried more than we could bear.

Then came the shattering, the splitting, the alarms of no actual fighting, of the ensuing silence that stretched way too sharp, too vivid, of doors slammed without warning. Hate, raw and merciless, rose like a fresh wound reopening. Pain tasted metallic in my mouth. I wanted to speak of the dead end we had reached before, of all the broken things, the unsaid words that had stuck to my throat but the words drowned in an avalanche of memories heavy like raindrops from some place called yesterday.

Eyes

We released each other, eyes now staring deeply as though searching for the shadows of our forgone days. His black torches trained into mine as mine into his. The silence was no longer tender. It picked at the emptiness between us. What were we looking for? Something worth salvaging now? Or something we both did but now looking for whom to apportion blames? None of us spoke again. He moved his hand slowly, waved it lightly as he left walking away, as if distance could be erased by a small gesture. My own hand responded too, slow and uncertain. My body shifted forward to grab this fleeting image, this phantom that had only surfaced to reawaken a life I had long buried in the grave of forgone time but was hindered by the constant movement of orderlies and nurses with patients around the lobby area. We waved again and in that instant, I saw all the questions neither of us would ever ask: who lives there now in that body each of us once had access to? Our bodies second guessing in the ruins we left behind who we were outside of each other.

Feet

I watched those legs rescind into the emergency ward and the waiting room door opened again. This time my name was called. I stood up carrying my totebag and walked into an adjacent room to see my doctor. He was smiling when I entered. I had walked away once again from Venath dragging my feet as though the battlefield of us was re-enacted all over again. “How are you feeling today?” The doctor asked looking through my clinical file.

“I'm fine doctor.” I replied.

“That's good to know miss Alero. You've been asked to run some series of tests here which results are yet to be produced by the lab technicians. In the meantime can you tell me again about how you're feeling. Don't worry it's just normal routine alright?”

“Okay sir. But I think I feel okay my only worry is that I have been stooling blood for a couple of days now like say one week. At first I thought it was my period but now I feel it's more than that because my menstruation stopped three days after the stooling began.”
“When was that exactly?”

“Monday last week.”

“And that was the same day your period also started?”

“Yes sir.”

“Okay so has this happened to you before?”

“No it's my first time.”

“Have you been having self medications lately?”

“Yeah for body pains mostly.”

“And what sort of medicine have you been using?”

“Ibuprofen and paracetamol.”

“Okay. Miss Alero have you ever had a foreign object in your rectal before?”

“No sir I haven't.” I answered that feeling a little bit irritated by his question and looking at him annoyed for asking me such a stupid question, I made a little frown. Like what did he take me for? A lady who would rather have it the reverse way? He could obviously see the irritation registered on my face and immediately apologized.

“I'm so sorry ma'am if that question was a little uncomfortable you know we're just trying to find out the possibility in the causes of your hemorrhaging here.”

“I understand that sir.” I said not hiding my disgust.

“Alright.” He scribbled and continued with his interview. “Do you have ulcer?”

“Yeah I used to. At least I want to believe that cause I treated it in 2017 when I was first diagnosed of it.”

“Okay and you think it's gone now because sometimes, you may think it's gone but it's not. You only end up managing it —the symptoms I mean. Can you remember what medication you were given?”

“No I can't. It's been a long time sir and I couldn't even complete the dosage then because it was way too strong for me—the drugs I mean.”

“So what did you use?”

“Traditional medicine.”

“I see so what was it?”

“I drank some coconut oil, and ate a lot of water melon for a couple of weeks and that was it. It was gone!”

“Really? Hmm that's okay. So…what about malaria, any treatment for that lately?”

“Yes, few days ago when the stooling started I was rushed to a pharmacy where I was treated for malaria and typhoid.”

“Were you tested for it first?”

“No sir?”

“It’s okay. Do you remember the names of the drugs you were given?”

“Not really but I knew there was a Cipro something and one anti malaria drug like that.”

“Okay thank you madam. That will be all for now but we would carry out a rectal/anal test on you shortly so as to be able to ascertain the root cause of your bleeding. And I can assure you that it is a very simple and basic diagnosis. You have nothing to worry about. Nurse Tejiri, could you please prepare one of the beds in the exam rooms for that thank you.”

“Yes doctor.” She replied and left.

Fingers:

Ten minutes later, I was ushered into the exam room following the doctor and his assistant, Nurse Tejiri who shut the door after I had entered and the doctor started another round of preparatory speech. First, he requested I removed my panties and lie on the bed on my side and backing him with my naked rump facing him.
 
“There is a reason why we usually allow a female staff to be with doctors and patients during procedures like this. One, for the patient's relaxation, trust and comfort and then for accountability on the part of the male medical practitioner if you know what I mean.”
 
“Of course.”
 
“We don't want anyone accusing us of molesting them.” We both laughed from the understanding of what he had just said. And then he wore his surgical gloves and started talking me through the process all over again as though he enjoyed seeing my naked backside. Could you please get this over with? I thought.

“In about a minute or so you will feel my index finger going into your anus. I'm doing this to find out if there is an injury on the wall of your anus. If at any point you do feel any pain please indicate so I can stop and discontinue otherwise it's really a simple test that we will carry out now and you will be back out in a jiffy. Now let's have that lubricant Nurse and please shift slightly to the edge of the bed while raising your right leg and pushing it slightly forward like this.” He said demonstrating to show me what he meant and I responded likewise.

As he worked, I moaned to the sharp little pains I was feeling but numbed them altogether when the thought of Venath came to mind. The thought of him drilling for things with his fingers back then, things that hitherto remained asleep from long years of celibacy. The doctor stopped when I whimpered and then continued again. He ran his fingers around my anal walls seeking for the trouble responsible for my hemorrhagia. When he finished, he told me to get dressed and said plainly that nothing was wrong with my anal system, that nothing was serious enough to have caused the bleeding. You must be joking right? I thought.

“You probably ate something that is poisonous to your system or maybe you injured yourself during bowel movement. Shall we?” We all stepped outside and a nurse handed him my test results which he reiterated and demanded I get admitted immediately for the treatment of malaria parasite. “Miss Alero, your malaria test result is quite alarming. With the readings I have here I'm afraid you may be having a good time with us here. Please do well to relax while I ask the nurse to come prep you up for some drips.”

“Oh okay. Thank you doctor. But could you please tell doctor Venn that I'm on admission and that he should come find me.”

“Sure will do that. So you know him too?”

“Yeah.”

Veins

I was taken into the ward for admission and placed on a bed by the window. The white sheets smelt faintly of izal, the same smell that made hospitals feel like mortuary for the sick. The general convenience was situated directly opposite the ward and it spelt like a curse. Nurse Tejiri hooked the drip to my hand, unperturbed by the smell oozing from the lavatory. Her touch was firm yet tender, her voice low as she assured me the medication would start working soon. “Could you please tell the cleaners to clean up the toilets. It's not nice that we're here for treatment and then we will be compounding our ailments with more diseases.” She told me it would be taken care of but soon I closed my eyes and tried to sink into the cotton sheets, but the air around me carried a restlessness I couldn’t shake.

I thought about Venath. Somewhere in this same building, he was walking the halls, carrying other people’s lives in his hands, and yet he had touched mine again; not with stethoscopes or syringes, but with memories. He would know soon enough where I lay, the number of my bed, the vein through which the hospital was pouring life back into me. I wondered what I would say when he came. Would I remind him of the weight he left me to carry, or would I let silence stretch between us again like it was a few hours ago? Would I let his eyes search mine for forgiveness, or would I tell him that forgiveness was a language I no longer spoke?

The drip hissed softly, like a whispering tide. My body grew heavy, sinking deeper into the bed. The hospital became a blur of movement—nurses rushing, patients groaning, doors opening and shutting. A while ago, a woman had brought in a sick infant for treatment. It was somewhat discovered that the baby had died even before they arrived. The mother collapsed as a result of the news. I could understand the pain and disappointment of losing a loved one. And she would never be petrified by anyone or anything. She was just yelling not again, not again. Perhaps like me, she too had lost something loved one too many. And so somewhere in that blur, I thought I saw him again, or maybe I dreamed of him. His shadow leaning by the doorway, his lips shaping my name. But I didn’t turn. I let the drip run its slow course, carrying its medicine into me. The past could stand at the doorway all it wanted, but I was not ready to open the door. No, not yet.

Voices

When I finally drifted into sleep, the last thing I felt was not his presence, but the quiet relief that for once, my body, not my memories was being treated. I was half-asleep when I felt a shadow fall across my bed. The quiet rustle of his coat was unmistakable. I opened my eyes slowly, and there he was standing like some uninvited ghost called back by blood and circumstance.

“You didn’t have to send for me immediately Alero. I still would have found you one way or another. I'm so sorry about your ill health, it never really showed that you were this ill you know.” he said, his voice careful, almost guilt stricken.

“Yeah I know and I did want to see you,” I answered, steadying myself. “I needed to know if you’ve changed Venath.”
He shifted his gaze, pulling at the sleeve of his coat as though the starch there would save him. “Alero, life… it happened. You and I… we were young. We wanted too much but gave too little. My ex, she wanted me back. I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. I just had to leave anyway you know.”

“And you couldn't tell me? You just left just like that, without any heads up. That was not fair Venath in spite of everything we shared?”

“Look Alero, I'm sorry if I hurt you but you should also understand that nothing was promised you, not really. You shouldn’t carry it about like a stone.”

“I shouldn't carry it about like a stone? Are you for real?”

His words cut deeply, not sharp, but blunt like someone dulling the edge of pain instead of admitting it. He spoke like men do when they want to excuse themselves, wrapping absence in reason.

“Nothing was promised huh?” I echoed, my voice cracking with disbelief. “Then what were all those nights together? Those dreams we carried? The bodies we offered each other like altars? Was that nothing?”
He met my eyes but didn’t hold them.
“It was something then alright but it doesn’t mean it was forever. I got to find my own path too you know? I never said I was going to do forever with you. We were only out to have fun and we sure had enough of it.”

I almost laughed out loud, find your own path huh? We were out to have fun and had enough of it but the sound died bitter in my throat like Action Bitters. His face was a map of I-don’t-care, pure uncertainty, of a man who wanted to take and leave without naming it. I let the silence stretch itself between us, until the only sound was the drip feeding into my veins and the active footsteps outside. Why did I not know this from the onset that all men were the same? That they were leaches who clung just to the vagina of a woman and when they had sucked enough of her juice will fall off her?

Finally, I asked the only question left.
“Venath… what did you want from me, really?”
He opened his mouth, then shut it. His eyes searched for an answer he couldn't provide, or maybe one he would never give. His hand moved as if to touch mine, but he stopped midway, letting it fall back into the pocket of his coat. And in that half-gesture, I saw it all—the infatuation, the cowardice, the unfinished ruin of us, the actual state of things, my blind exposure. I saw that this one never wanted to stay, all along, all he wanted was a play thing and I fell prey to being just that —Venath’s play thing.
“I'm sorry.” He said and turned to leave.

“You could have just told me it was over Venath and I would have understood instead of ignoring me, keeping silent and acting as though we were never an item. Your actions destroyed me, made me feel inadequate and second guessing my worth as a woman. All along I thought I was the problem and by God, I wanted to find out and make amends but you never gave me the chance ever again! You just disappeared into thin air knowing fully well I was strongly into you. Did you not see that I was enough for you?”
“Alero, it's not by that. See when a man is done with a woman no matter what he enjoyed from her, he says that in many little ways not necessarily by words because talking about leaving what he had come to either like or get entangled with is also very emotional to him too. So, he usually communicate this loss by systematically pulling away from her. It doesn't mean that he never liked her or that he was insincere about his feelings for her. This is not a way to excuse my actions or theoretize what you probably already know. I'm sorry you feel hurt and offended by my decision. I just thought I was doing what was best for both of us and that you would figure things out and move on with life. But I understand now, that it's always different with you women. Please accept my apologies and do take care.”
 
“And I hope you have a nice day too.” I said unable to come to terms with our breakup or his explanations. I wanted to be the one ending things, not him. I wanted to be the winner, not the loser. I wanted so much to be the one inflicting the pains of breakups, not the other way round. I wanted to hear him beg for my hand again so I could spit on his but he too was clever enough to avoid doing that altogether. And yet I knew it was truly over between us but my personal vendetta towards him and his ‘brothers’ who had all broken my heart in the past would never allow me make peace with that. And so I hated the fact that he could move on without me and leaving me here five years after we parted ways, to relive the pain of losing him with a fresh sting. Maybe it was not the fact that we broke up, maybe it was the way he left that was wounding my ego. But all the same I knew I would never be able to love another again like I'd loved him.

The doctor came in to check on me. He torched my free arm and asked if I was doing okay. I nodded and was filled with shame, disgust, lust and a desire for him. I wished he could simply see me beyond a patient having seen my nakedness but I realized that being physically exposed to a man wasn't enough to create that most magical experience in humanity. True love wasn't measured by body graphics or kinetics, true love was created by two intentional people who actually knew what they wanted and pursued it against all odds. 

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